Just returned from my second to the last hospitalization and chemo treatment. It gets harder to go back as I near the end of my treatment. I really don't want to be there.
Its an interesting time in my 9 months of leukemia diagnosis and treatment. What I feel the most is fear. I'm afraid of the future. The latest stats I learned are interesting and alarming. The chemo regimen I received for the past 9 months is 95% effective in keeping the disease in remission. The second statistic is not so encouraging. The return rate of leukemia, the ability for the disease to return is 50%. Which way to go: the glass is half empty or the glass is half full? Right now I can't seem to see beyond the glass is half empty. I never thought at this time in my life I would be dealing with my life longevity. How long do I have on this earth?
I am expressing this fear now because I believe I am going through a series of phases in my recovery that I must accept. I've had very little feelings of relief that my treatment and hospitalizations are soon to be over. There is some. The overwhelming emotion is fear.
I've spoken to a few nurse practitioners and doctors at the hospital about my feelings. One wonderful practitioner told me that I needed to get out in the world and seek out some leukemia survivors. Meet with them. Learn from them. What have they gone through? How have they dealt with their fears? This was the best, most practical advice I could have gotten. What a smart girl she is! Stephanie, I think is her name. She also said to keep in mind that all my months, in and out of the hospital, were spent with sick patients. This has been a very one-sided view of people with cancer. Some patients are sick but others are very, very, sick. I have known of (roomed with one) two patients who died in the past 2 months. This has been very, very frightening.
So, I am giving myself an assignment. When my next, last and final chemo and hospitalization takes place - happening in two weeks - I will seek out some survivors. There is a group I read about of cancer survivors that meets once a month in San Francisco. There is also a Leukemia Yoga group that meets once a week. It sounds like the people attending are not the types who have the latest Yoga attire and fabulously toned body so this suits me just fine! If this works out great if not, I will try to find other resources to help me.out.
As always, I'm still making jewelry during my hospital stays. I'm posting like a mad woman on Etsy -
http://www.etsy.com/shop/estudiomartita?ref=pr_shop_more - and have made a couple of returns to my studio to organize and clean a bit.
No matter how much time I have on this earth my life is rich with family, friends and artwork
Here's some photos of some of the jewelry I've been doing.
all my love to you and yours,